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Took a lass out for a French meal last night.
She had frogs legs and chicken breasts
But a lovely personality !!
Took the girlfriend out for a meal the other night.
I was trying to read the menu, but all she wanted to do was to play footsie under the table, which was really annoying me.
Anyway, I eventually ordered a steak.
She got toed in the hole !!!
Two old ladies were having a chat in Glasgow :
'A burglar broke into my house last night' said one of them.
'How did he get it ?' asked the other.
'I always keep a wee jar of Vaseline by the bed !!'
(Chic Murray)
A Royal Navy deckhand goes to see the medical officer.
'Doc, can you really catch Aids from a toilet seat ?' he asked.
The doctor said
'Only if you sit down before the other geezer gets up !!'
Barack Obama has just sent $10m to Northern Ireland for the victims of Hurricane Higgins !!!
A common conversational error made on Britain's streets :
'When's the baby due ?'
'I had the bairn a month ago' !!!
Anyone who thinks that laughter is the best medicine has obviously never suffered from Erectile Dysfunction !
A teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
Little Geordie said :
'Please Sir, my Dad is a nude pole dancer in a gay club.
And if the men pay him, he goes to bed with them !'
The teacher took Geordie to one side at the end of the class and commiserated with him about his Dad's occupation.
'He doesn't really do that, Sir, he's an England footballer, but I was too embarrassed to tell the class !!'
Getting married a second time is like changing your cabin on the Titanic !
How do you make a bull sweat ?
GIVE HIM A TIGHT JERSEY !!
Elainor Roosevelt said that she was delighted that they had named a rose after her, but that she was horrified when she read the description in the cataolgue :
'No good in beds, but great against the wall' !
Marriage is a bit like the World Cup.
There's always a drone in the background !
(June 2010)
Ventriloquist Ray Allen has sadly passed away
Lord Charles made no comment !
Shakespeare retired
because he went
from Bard to worse !
(David Laws resigns just 3 weeks into the new Coalition Government)
ONE MORE LOOSE SCREW AND THE WHOLE CABINET COULD FALL APART !!
I wouldn't say I was a slow developer, but my teacher is pleased to have someone in the class of her own age to talk to !!
After I told the wife that black underwear turned me on,
she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month !!
I drew a gun.
He drew a gun.
I drew another gun.
Soon we were surrounded by drawings of guns !!
(Chick Murray)
Geordie and his wife were at Newcastle Airport.
'You're very quiet, Geordie' she said 'Is there anything wrong ?'
'I just wish we had our piano here !' he replied.
'Now, why on earth do you want the piano at the airport, Geordie ?' she asked.
'The Passports and tickets are on top of it !!' he said.
My father was from Newcastle.
A more generous man you could not want to meet.
I have the gold watch which he sold me on his death bed !
I paid by cheque
Post-dated of course !!
I knocked and the young lady opened the door in her nightdress !
I thought at the time,
what a funny place to have a door !!
There's a new slimming course where they remove all your bones.
Not only do you weigh a lot less,
you look more relaxed !!
A wife said to her husband
'I'm leaving you. You think more about football than you do of me !!'
'You can't leave me, Pet' he said
'We've been together for 25 seasons !!!'
A Scotsman and a Jewish friend went out for a meal together in an inexpensive restaurant in Edinburgh.
They picked the cheapest items on the menu, but when the bill came the Scotsman immediately offered to pay !
Headlines of the morning paper the following day read
'Jewish ventriloquist found badly beaten in alley !!'
I met this man with a long pole at the Olympic Games.
'Are you a pole vaulter ?' I asked
'No' said the man
'I'm German ... and anyway, how do you know my name is Walter ?!!'
A weedy little cowboy, wearing specs and a big cowboy hat turned up at the Pearly Gates !
St. Peter told him that he would let him in if he had done someone a really good turn down on Earth.
'Funny you should say that' said the cowboy
'I was up in the Dakota badlands when I came across a group of big, nasty, hairy bikers giving a girl a hard time.
I went up to the biggest, hardest, tattooed biker, slapped his face, pulled out his ear-rings and knocked over his Harley !
Then I turned to the rest of them and told them that if they didn't leave the girl alone, they would get the same treatment !'
'I'm very impressed' said St. Peter. 'When did this happen ?'
'About 2 minutes ago !' said the cowboy !!!
A big strapping prop forward went to the doctors with a nasty case of jockstrap rash.
The lady doctor told him that she would have to give him a thorough examination and said that
she always warned her patients undergoing this sort of examination that there is a strong possiblity of AROUSAL !
Half an hour later, he put his trousers back on and said that he hadn't even felt a twinge, to which the doctor said
'I didn't say WHO was going to get aroused !!'
I got stopped by the Police last night.
He said 'Blow into that bag !'
I said 'What for ?'
He said 'My chips are too hot !!!'
2010 EUROVISION SONG CONTEST
Iceland's song is to be 'Smoke gets in your eyes'
Greece's entry is a revival of that old 1920s hit 'Buddy can you spare a dime' !!
A man went to the doctors and explained that he and his wife had been trying unsuccessfully to have a family for years.
'Drop your trousers' said the doctor 'and I'll take a look !'
As he was taking off his trousers, the man said
'You know, doctor, I think the problem could be my technique. I don't think I have the right knack.'
'You haven't got the left one either !' said the doctor.
Guy says to the waiter in a restaurant :
'Waiter, I didn't complain when I spotted the fly in my soup, but I've just broken a tooth on the zipper !'
A very elderly couple were on a blind date watching a movie.
During the film the man's toupee slipped off in the dark and he was rummaging around on his lap looking for it.
Unfortunately his hands wandered up the lady's dress and she shouted out 'That's it ! That's it !'
'It can't be' he said
'Mine's parted on the left !!!'
Geordie says to his mate in the Working Mens' Club
'I'm having fantastic sex with this lass from Byker and her twin !'
'How can you tell them apart ?' asked his friend.
'Her brother's got a moustache !!' said Geordie !
A Cumbrian farmer's son says :
'Dad, Dad, Mammy's told me where I come from !!'
'Where's that, Lad ?' asked his father.
'From a sugar bowl, Daddy !!' he said.
His father said
'Aye, Lad, that's about the size of it !!!'
A solicitor from a large firm on Newcastle Quayside goes to Heaven !
St. Peter said to him
'Your name is Jones and you are 487 years old, is that right ?'
'No, your Honour' he said
'I died at the age of 57 !'
'NOT ACCORDING TO YOUR TIMESHEET' said St. Peter !!!
Geordie went to the tailors to buy a new suit for his divorce party !
'What side do you dress ?' asked the tailor.
'JUST LEAVE IT BAGGY AT THE KNEES !!' he replied.
A vicar and his wife were in the kitchen about to have breakfast.
He was surprised when his normally frigid wife asked him if he could 'do the business' there and then !
He promptly obliged on the kitchen table at 60 Revs a minute !
'What brought that about, dearest ?' asked the vicar.
'The egg timer's broken, darling !' she replied.
Two very old men were having a chat in the old folks' home.
One of them said
'You know, I feel like a new baby !
I've got no hair,
No teeth
And I've just filled my nappy !!'
An elderly Englishman is probably looking for a Thai bride about the age of 20.
A young Thai lady is probably looking for an Englishman with a life expectancy of well under 20 !
Why did the Mexican push his lady wife over the cliff ?
TEQUILA !!
Two men were playing golf at Whitley Bay, but they were being slowed down by a couple of lady golfers ahead of them.
One of the guys said that he would go ahead and ask them if they could go through, but he hurried back saying that he couldn't possibly talk to them as one was his wife and the other his mistress !
So the other guy went to have a word with them
But he came back, saying
'What a coincidence !!'
A faith healer was on stage with 2 men from the audience.
One was in a wheelchair and the other had a very bad speech impediment.
He told them to go behind the curtains while he said a few prayers.
The he said 'Mr. Brown, get out of your wheelchair and come through the curtains !'
There was a God almighty crash behind the curtains, then the ventriloquist in a state of shock said
'Mr. Smith, can you come and say a few words to the audience ?
A very nervous individual came through the curtains and said 'He's f-f-f-f-f-f-fallen d-d-d-d-d-down !!!'
A ventriloquist set up a website : wubbbleyou wubbleyou wubbleyou.com !!
A bloke was telling his mate in that he had been with his wife to see a Faith Healer.
'He was absolutely crap' said the man.
'In fact' he said
'He was so bad that a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out after 10 minutes !!!'
A scruffy little lad got separated from his mother in Fenwick's department store in Newcastle.
He told a shop assistant that he had lost his Mum.
'What's she like ?' asked the girl.
'Big dicks and Blue Wicked !!!' he said.
A man went into a library wearing a dirty raincoat.
He said to the librarian : 'Have you got a book on the homosexual habits of dwarfs ?'
'How low can you get !' replied the librarian in disgust.
'That's the one !' he said !!!
A painter and decorator was making mad passionate love to one of his customers in the bedroom of her house.
They got so carried away that they slid off the bed onto the floor but he never missed a stroke and eventually gave her a matt finish !!
A guy goes to see a Marriage Guidance Councillor with chronic depression.
He was given clear guidance by the Councillor to cheer him up :
'PLAY YOUR WEDDING VIDEO BACKWARDS ! :
Watch yourself take off the ring,
walk back down the isle,
get back into the car and get the hell out of there !'
A Scotsman finished up in bed with a fat slapper on a weekend in Whitley Bay.
'Are you a virgin ?' he asked her.
'Of course I am' she replied ...
'And anyway, why do all you men always ask the same question ?'
Geordie said to his mate :
'The wife's having a bairn in Rake Lane Hospital today !'
His pal said : 'Is she dilated ?'
'Wey man' said Geordie 'We're both of us over the moon !!!'
Geordie put £30 on a horse at twenty to one.
It came in at five o'clock !!
A VERY SHORT FAIRY STORY :
Once upon a time there was a handsome young prince who met a beautiful princess and asked her to marry him.
She said NO and they lived happily ever after !
Following an incident in a playing field in North Shields in which a starting pistol was used,
Police say they think it might be race related !!
A man was sitting in the electric chair at Alcatraz.
The Governor said : 'Is there anything I can do for you before it's all over ?'
'Just one little thing' said the convict
'Could your possibly hold my hand !!'
What's the difference between a gigolo and a solicitor ?
A gigolo can only screw one client at a time !!
A farmer heard a light tapping noise on his door.
On the doorstep was a lovely large snail.
He promptly picked it up and threw it as hard as he could into the field.
Two years later, there was another tapping on the door and there was the snail again.
It looked up at the farmer and said :
What was that all about !!
Wales !
What a fantastic country.
You can get a wonderful wool sweater,
A delicious hotpot,
And lots of rumpy-pumpy.
ALL FROM THE SAME ANIMAL !!!
A young lad from Glasgow finished up in bed in a hotel with a local slapper on a lads' weekend at Whitley Bay !
She said : 'Jock, your organ's very small !'
'It's never played in a cathedral before !' he replied.
'Anyway' she said 'You'd better be careful as I've had a coil fitted !'
'You could get a carpet fitted in there, Hen !' he retorted.
A young man went to see his female GP to ask if he could have a willy extension on the National Health Service.
'There nothing wrong with you' said the doctor.
'You only need 3 inches ! ..... an inch going in,
an inch going out
and and inch going in and out !!!'
A dyslexic kid from North Shields asked his mother for a Macdonalds burger.
She said she would buy him one if he could spell Macdonalds.
'Bollocks' he said
'I'll have a CKF instead !!'
The 80 year old owner and skipper of a big luxury yacht in St. Tropez had a 20 year old Thai girlfriend.
One of his friends asked him how he was coping with the relationship at his age.
'Quite candidly, old boy, I can't keep my hands off her ....... so I think I'll change the crew !!'
We've stopped using fly killer at the Tynemouth Lodge, as it is patently cruel.
We now spray them with starch and they just glide out of the window !
Cherie Blair never wore any makeup.
Then one day a man said to her
'I'm awfully sorry, I was just trying to post a letter !!'
It is reported that Dawn French is terminally ill, as she has contracted a particularly nasty highly-invasive flesh-eating virus whilst in hospital.
Doctors have given her 60 years to live !
A couple of Geordies went to the doctor, hoping to convince him that they were suffering from industrial deafness so that they could get a big state handout !
The first went into the surgery, telling the doctor that he had worked in the shipyard and was stone deaf.
The doctor said 'Could you shut the door ?'
As Geordie turned towards the door, the doctor said 'You can keep walking in that direction, Geordie, there's nothing wrong with your ears !'
He told his mate in the waiting room that he had been caught out and for his mate not to shut the door.
So his pal went in, saying 'I've got terrible trouble with me lugs, Doc, I can't hear a thing and think I should get a big payout !'
The doctor said 'Could you possible shut the door ?'
'You can shut the bugger yourself !!' he replied.
Gordon Brown said to his Chancellor, Alistaire Darling
'Describe the shape of the British economy in one word, Alistaire'.
'Good', he replied.
'How would you describe it is two words ?' asked Gordon.
'NOT GOOD' said his sidekick.
A man was cleaning his glass eye when he swallowed it by mistake.
He was rushed into Casualty and the doctor said, 'Strip off and bend down and I'll see what is going on !'
'I can't see a thing' said the doctor.
'But I can see you !' said his patient !!
The next day, the same man got on a double-decker bus in Newcastle.
He promptly took out his glass eye and through it up the stairs, catching it on its return.
'NO SEATS UPSTAIRS !!' he said to his wife !!
(Alternative glass eye joke)
A man went to his (gay) doctor, having swallowed his glass eye.
The doctor said 'Drop your trousers and bend down in front of me !!'
'You've got to be joking !' said the patient.
The doctor said 'You've got to trust me, you've got to trust me !'
So the man dropped his pants for the doctor and the eye was staring him in the face !
'I told you' said the doctor 'You've got to trust me !!'
A man went into a butcher's shop.
'Have you got a sheep's head ?' he asked.
'No' said the butcher
'It's just the way I comb my hair !!'
'Do you sell bacon ?' asked the customer.
'Lean back' said the butcher
so the man leaned over backwards, looking up at the ceiling !
'I bet you can't reach the meat on those hooks up there !' said the man
'How do you work that out ?' said the butcher.
'The steaks are too high !' said the man.
'A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it'
(Bob Hope. 1903 - 2003. English born comedian)
David Blunkett has been caught with his snout in the trough ....
He has claimed for a pair of Zeiss binoculars !
What have Garry Glitter and the boxer Ricky Hatton got in common ?
They both went down with a Filipino in the ring !!
The last time Newcastle United won any silverware, Joan Collins was still a virgin !!
TRUE STORY : Gateshead councillors were discussing how to improve Saltwell Park.
One of the councillors suggested that they put a gondola in the lake as a feature.
Another councillor said 'Why don't we buy two, then we can breed off them ?!!'
ANOTHER TRUE STORY FROM A LOCAL COUNCIL MEETING : A North Tyneside councillor is reported to have said at a meeting, and I quote :
'There have been certain allegations made at this meeting and I would like to say that I am not happy with what some of the alligators have been saying !'
A man went to North Shields Job Centre looking for work as a tree surgeon.
He was asked if he had any previous experience and said he had worked in the Sahara.
'The Sahara Desert ?' asked the assistant.
'Is that what they are calling it now ?!!' replied the man
Two very elderly gentlemen were having a beer together in the Whitley Bay Comrades' Club.
They were reminiscing and one said to the other :
'Can you remember the first time you made love to a woman ?'
His friend scratched his head and said :
'To be honest ...... I can't remember the last time !!!'
A ventriloquist went to the job centre looking for work.
The only opening on offer was for a spiritualist working on Brighton Pier.
Shortly after he started, a woman walked in saying that she had lost her husband a year ago and asking how much he charged.
'Well' said the ventriloquist
'For a tenner I can speak to your old man, for twenty quid he will speak back and for fifty quid he'll talk to you while drinking a glass of water !!!'
Judge says to Geordie
'You're up in front of me again for drinking !'
'Fine' says Geordie
'Let's get started !!!'
An Irishman walked into a pub, The Pig and Whistle.
'Sorry' said the barman 'we don't serve Irishmen in here !'
'Well now' says Paddy 'I'll have to be talking to the manager'
'This pub is in joint ownership' said the barman 'and I'm one of the owners'
'Well' says Paddy
'I'd like to speak to Mr. Whistle !!'
A girl gets married to an avid golfer and on the first night she says to him
'Pet, I have a confession : I'm a hooker !!'
'That's okay love' he said
'Just turn your hands on the grip to the right !!!'
Geordie said to his mate
'I used to think I was fantastic in bed, then I found out that the girlfriend has asthma !!'
A woman went into the Green Market in Newcastle to buy some fruit and veg.
'How much are your tomatoes ?' she asked the man.
'50p each' he replied.
'You know where you can stick them !!' she said
'I can't' replied the greengrocer
I've got a £2 cucumber in there already !!!'
Geordie was telling his mate in the Club that he had been hit in the eye with a firework.
'Did it do you any harm ?' asked his friend.
'Well' said Geordie 'the doctor says I have a detached rectum !!!'
Geordie had Athlete's Foot and the chiropodist advised him to put a clean pair of socks on every day.
After a week, he couldn't get his shoes on !!
A ventriloquist is on stage and telling joke after joke about blondes when a fat blonde woman in the audience shouts out :
'I'm sick of those blonde stories ..... it's just not true that blondes are thick !!'
The ventriloquist began to apologise, when the woman shouted back
'You keep out of it, I'm talking to that cheekly little git on your knee !!!'
(February 2009)
Alfie, the 12 year old father was stopped by the Police.
'Why aren't you at school, Alfie ?' he was asked.
'Cos, I'm on Paternity Leave of course !!!'
Alfie has joined Fathers for Justice.
He says he doesn't understand what it stands for but that he has the Spiderman outfit !!!
When asked if he thought he was the real father, Alfie replied that he thought that some of his friends might have had it in for him !!!
If at first you don't succeed ...... skydiving is not for you !!!
A little lad comes home from school in Byker.
'Dad' he said
'I ran behind the school bus and saved 50p'
His father clipped him around the ear ....
'You should have run behind a taxi and saved £10 !!!'