Old Gags
A woman collared a man in a Tyneside street ...
'You're the father of one of my children !' she said.
'I remember you now' the man replied, 'I'm awfully sorry ...
It was that drunken Stag Weekend about six years ago in Newcastle , I made mad passionate love to you in that hotel bedroom while one of the lads was hitting me on the bottom with a frozen kipper !!'
'You misunderstand me' she said
'I'm your son's English teacher !!'
The Wing Commander on the aircraft screamed at Quazimodo :
'For God's sake, Quazi, jump !'
'It's a hump, not a parashute !' shouted Quazi !!
A man won millions on the lottery and decided to construct a top-class golf course.
A few days before it was due to open he spotted lots of mole hills on the last green, so he phoned the local mole catcher - telling him that he wanted the moles killed in the nastiest way possible, as he had spent so much money on the course !
When the little old fella had sorted out the moles he arrived with his invoice at the golf club.
'How did you kill them ?' asked the owner.
'Well Sir', he said
'I killed them in the worst way possible ....... I buried them alive !!'
(Gag kindly supplied by the Rev. Tim Duff)
What's the difference between a seagull and a baby ?
One flits about the shore ..... !
What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon ?
One is for cunning stunts .... !
A Chinese couple have just had China's first Albino child.
Which just goes to prove two Wongs can make a white !!
A very fat couple were making love in their Council House
The fat guy said 'It's no good honey, I'm going to have to stop'
'What's wrong ?' she asked
'My bottom's touching the light bulb !!' he replied.
A l ittle lad said to his dad
'Daddy there's a man at the front door with a moustache'
His dad replied
'Tell him to bugger off, I've got one already !'
What do you call a camel with 4 humps ?
A SAUDI QUATTRO !!
And, of course, a camel with 3 humps is HUMPHREY !!
An elderly man ran naked through the marquee at the Whitley Bay Flower Show
They gave him first prize for his DRIED ARRANGEMENT !!
George Bush got a phone call from the head of the military in Afganistan to tell him that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in action.
'Gee' he said to his wife that night 'That's real sad about those guys in Afganistanland,
But tell me honey ........ how many is a Brazilian ? !!'
A young, heavily-pregnant, teenager from Byker, frantically phoned her mother up
'Mam, I think mee waters have broken !' she screeched
'I'll be straight roond when I've finished me ciggie !' said her mother
'Where are you ringing from, Pet ?'
'From me nickers right doon to me feet !!' said the lass
Two men escaped on bicycles from the Tynemouth Lunatic Asylum
A few miles down the road one of them pulled into the kerb and let his rear tyre down !
'The saddle was too high !', he said
A bit further down the road, the other guy stopped his bike and turned the handlebars around through 180 degrees !
'I'm not riding with a nutter like you' he said, 'I'm going back to Tynemouth !!'
What's the difference between a man and a pig ?
AFTER 12 PINTS OF LAGER, A PIG DOESN'T TURN INTO A MAN !!
Two high class girls were in the lift in the exclusive Montague Court apartment block in Gosforth, when a stunning-looking male executive type got into the lift
When he got off at the next floor one of the girls said 'My God what a dish, but did you see his dandruff ?'
Her friend said 'If he was my boyfriend, I'd give him Head and Shoulders'
'HOW DO YOU GIVE SHOULDERS ?' asked the other !!
Definition of an alcoholic : GREEN SHOES AND A RUSTY ZIP !
Definition of a nyphomaniac : A woman who's seen more ceilings than Michaelangelo !!
Or ...... a nymphomaniac is a woman who can trip a man up and is underneath him before he hits the floor
!!
Michaelangelo was just finishing off the ceiling of the Cystine Chapel after nine years on his back when his boss came in and said 'You can call it a day Mike, the Pope has decided he wants it papered !!'
What is 40 yards long, has false teeth and stinks of urine ?
THE FRONT ROW OF A CLIFF RICHARD CONCERT !!
What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat ?
One mucks about in the fountain .... !
What's the difference between a mountain goat and a butler ?
One does his panting in the country .... !
An elderly lady went to see a monumental sculptor to order a headstone for her own grave !
She explained to the man that she went to church every Sunday, had never been with a man in her life and that she lived a pure and clean existance
He gave it a bit of thought when she departed and on the headstone he carved the words MARY HIGGINS. RETURNED UNOPENED !
Geordie and his wife wanted a bit of spice in their sex lives and replied to an advert for SWINGERS WANTED in the evening paper
They organised a foursome with another couple at their house
Geordie was lying in bed that night, thinking what great sex he had had !
He said to his partner 'That was fantastic, I wonder how the girls are getting on !!'
A Welshman went to the doctors and told him that he thought he had a sexually transmitted ailment
'There's nothing wrong with you' said the doctor,
you're just allergic to wool !!'
The Queen was unable to go along to open the new Arsenal stadium recently because she had a bad back
A Royal spokesman said that she would not be going to the Stadium of Light, as Sunderland have got TWO BAD BACKS !!
A young lad went along to the Synagogue for an interview to train as a Rabbi
He had replied to a newspaper advert : '£250 a week PLUS TIPS !'
He saw the sign over the door WE KEEP THE PIECE
'Are you sure you're CUT OUT for the job ?' asked the Rabbi
'I'm not sure' replied the lad ....'But, Sir, don't you think it's a bit optimistic cutting an inch off BEFORE YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO BE ?!!'
Anyway, the Rabbi gave the boy a start, but he slipped on the first day and GOT THE SACK !!
There was a power cut in the Cumbrian hills and a farmer says to his wife 'Lets have a early night and play games in bed !'
'Let's play GUESS THE FLAVOUR OF MY CONDOM' he said
As soon as they got into the sack his wife said 'Cheese and Onion !'
'I HAVEN'T EVEN OPENED THE PACKET YET' said her husband !!
A man went to the doctors to get the result of his tests
The doctor said 'Do you want the good or the bad news ?'
'What's the good news ?' he ventured
'The good news is that you have 24 hours to live !'
'Good God' said the patient, 'What's the bad news ??'
'I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU YESTERDAY !!'said the doctor
Geordie came back in from work at the shipyard to find his wife boiling one of his socks on the stove
'What the hell are you up to, woman ?' he asked
'I'm just obeying your orders' she said ...
'You came into the bedroom drunk last night, and before you collapsed, you shouted WASH MY SOCK !!'
Geordie went into the Working Mens Club for a drink
His mate asked him 'Have you got a job yet Geordie ?'
'Funny you should ask that' said Geordie, 'I've just started making donations to the local Sperm Bank, and withing 3 months I should have made over a thousand pounds'
'Ee', said his mate, 'YOU'RE MAKING MONEY HAND OVER FIST !!'
A huntsman in the Yorkshire Dales called into the pub after the hunt
He said to the attractive woman at the bar 'Excuse me, I'm a little stiff from riding !'
'WAS THAT THE EAST OR THE WEST RIDING ?' said she !
A call girl, who lived on the top floor of a block of flats in Scotswood Road, Newcastle was having a relaxing drink in the Fawcett Inn after a hard day's work
'Ee', she said, 'I've had over 70 men up them stairs today and there's no lift !!'
'Never' said her friend, taking a swig of her Newcastle Broon ... 'YOUR POOR FEET !!'
Quasimodo was being chased down the back lane by dozens of kids
'Bugger off' he shouted, 'I HAVEN'T GOT YOUR FOOTBALL !!'
A Jewish man was on his deathbed
His wife was at his bedside and asked him if he had a final wish
'Get a Catholic priest, I want to convert !' said he.
'What on earth for ?' asked his wife.
'I'D RATHER ONE OF THEM DIED THAN ONE OF US !!!'
A suicide bomber went into a petshop
'You've all got 60 seconds to get out' he shouted
'You swine' said the parrot. 'WHAT ABOUT THE TORTOISE !!'
What's the similarity between a man 500 ft up on a tightrope and a young man doing something very intimate with his 80 year old girlfriend down below ?
THEY ARE BOTH TERRIFIED TO LOOK DOWN !!
A blind prostitute : you've got to hand it to her !!
How do you get a fat person into bed ?
A PIECE OF CAKE !!
Israeli army survival kit : A fez and a clip-on foreskin !!
It is reported that over 3,000 Israeli troops went into Jordan last night
Her agent says she is looking forward to the next regiment !!
The Reverend Iain Paisley was giving one his lengthy sermons in his Belfast Church.
He banged his fist on the pulpit, shouting 'And there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth !'
An old fella on the front row, who was wearing dentures, put his hand up and said
'Mr. Paisley, what happens if you've no teeth ?'
The Reverend continued to bang his fist, declaring
'TEETH WILL BE PROVIDED !!'
Will the last person to leave Poland please turn off the light !!
Why has a milking stool only got 3 legs ?
THE COW'S GOT THE UDDER ONE !!
Esmeralda was out with the girls in the Notre Dame region of Paris
She got out her purse to pay for a round of drinks.
'My God, your purse is just about bursting' said one of her friends
'You must be carrying a fortune in there'.
'I'm not actually' she replied, 'It's just a photo of Quazi !!'
What's the difference between Batman and a teenage delinquent ?
BATMAN CAN GO OUT WITHOUT ROBIN !!
An elderly couple were sitting together in Church one Sunday morning.
The wife whispered in her husband's ear "I've just dropped one of those nasty silent ones, what shall I do ?"
"GET A NEW BATTERY FOR YOUR HEARING AID" he retorted !!
A man went into North Shields library and asked the librarian if they had any books on committing suicide.
He returned to the main desk after a few minutes to complain that he couldn't find any.
The librarian apologised, saying 'The problem is, they very rarely bring them back !!'
Geordie was talking to his mate in the Club, saying 'It's a shame about that bloke in Tynemouth getting struck off the Medical Register for interfering with his patients.
'I agree' said his pal, 'He was a first class Vet !!'
Paul McCartney's new release : MUG OF KINTYRE !!
What's the difference between the late John Holmes and John Prescott ?
...... ABOUT 13 INCHES !!
John Prescott went into a butcher's shop in his constituency
'Is that a pig's head ?' he enquired
'No, John' replied the butcher 'IT'S A MIRROR !!'
Fatty Prescott's secretary, Tracey Temple, described his lovemaking as being like a huge wardrobe falling on top of her with the key sticking out !!
The CPS considered charging the deputy Prime Minister with Misuse of Government Property and with Having an Offensive Person on his Weapon !
His secretary, having been severely rogered by her boss at work, took her dress to the dry-cleaners. 'Can you get this stain out ?' she enquired. 'Come again ?' said the assistant. 'No' she said, 'I think it's mayonnaise !!'
Tracey Temple admitted : 'Now it's out in the open, I feel that a great weight has been lifted from me !!'
She said that she was considering reporting her boss to Trading Standards for dispensing SHORT MEASURE !! As she said, 'It was like using an enormous hammer to knock in a very small nail !!'
An elderly lady was running around the old folk's home naked !
Two male residents saw her streak past the television lounge
One of them asked the other : 'What was that woman wearing ?'
'I don't know' said the other 'BUT IT NEEDED IRONING !!'
A young good looking Jewish lad was telling his Dad about the girl he met last night.
'She's a lovely redhead called Sheila McCafferty', he said.
'That's no good' said his Dad, 'you should be going out with a nice Jewish girl.'
A few weeks later, the lad was telling his father that he had scored with another girl
.
'What's her name ?' asked his father
.
'Goldberg' the boy replied.
'That's better' his father said.'And what's her first name ?'
'WHOOPIE !!' said the lad.
Two men escaped from the Tynemouth Lunatic Asylum and when they met up on the road the next day, one of them had a bike.
'Where did you get the bike ?' said one of them.
'I was walking through Northumberland Park'he replied 'When I came across this lovely lass.
She was sunbathing with her knickers off next to her bike and said I could have anything I liked !
So I TOOK THE BIKE !'
'You did the right thing' his mate said.
'THOSE KNICKERS WOULD NEVER HAVE FITTED YOU !!'
Geordie said to his mate in the working mens club
'What are those little pimples around a woman's nipple ?'
'They're BRAILLE for SUCK HERE !!' his mate replied.
A bloke said to his wife
'I've just bought a box of those new OLYMPIC CONDOMS !!
Shall I wear a gold one tonight ??'
'Why don't you wear silver and COME SECOND FOR A CHANGE !!' she retorted.
Geordie was chatting up a young lass in a bar in Tynemouth
She said 'Guess who the best male lovers in the world are ?'
'No idea' said Geordie
'I've just read that the best superstuds are cowboys and Jews' she said
'Anyway' she said .... 'What's your name ?'
'WILD BILL ROSENBERG !!'
he replied.
A man went into the doctors in Tynemouth with a problem of a personal nature
The doctor examined him and told him that he had a very nasty sexually transmitted disease
'I've never been with a woman' protested the man ...
'I must have caught it from a toilet seat !!'
'Well, you must have been CHEWING it' said the doctor ...
'It's in your GUMS !!'
Geordie was drinking with his mate in the Byker working mens' club
'I was reading about the long term effects of heavy drinking, last night' said Geordie
'That's me finished' he said. 'NO MORE READING FOR ME !!'
The Guinness Book of Records has issued a statement : The world's most dangerous sport is now 'QUAIL HUNTING WITH DICK CHENEY !
An elderly couple met in the piano bar on a Saga cruise ship.
They retired to the old man's cabin for a bit of hanky panky.
The old fella got out a packet of condoms !
When the old lady remarked that he did not need a condom at his age, he said : 'This is the only part of my body that hasn't got arthritis and the doctor says I have to keep it dry !!'
An ordinary cockerel says Cock-a-doodle doo
A dyslexic cockerel says Doodle-doodle cock
A Liberal Democrat cockerel says ANY COCK WILL DO !!
Geordie said to his mate 'It must have been a hell of a job putting handcuffs on that Abu Hamza bloke !!'
'He was stopped on the motorway for using his phone' said Geordie ' so he had to get a HOOK-FREE MODEL !'
'It's not fair making him wipe his own bottom in prison !'Geordie said.
'After all, he's agreed to take a leading part in the prison pantomime. They're doing PETER PAN !!'
Geordie took his wife and mother-in-law on holiday to Israel
His mother-in-law died on the first day of her holiday !
The Israeli undertaker told Geordie that he could bury her much cheaper in Israel than it would cost to have her sent home
'I'd rather pay the extra' said Geordie
'I've only read of one funeral in this country, and he came back after 3 days !!'
Geordie and his mate flew to Paris with Easyjet for the weekend and scored with a couple of French girls on the first night
At three in the morning, Geordie knocked on his mate's bedroom door
'WHAT'S FRENCH FOR SOIXANTE-NEUF ?' asked Geordie !!
The next morning over breakfast Geordie said to his pal
'I had to kick her out at half past three ... I COULDN'T MANAGE ANOTHER SIXTY EIGHT OF THOSE !!'
A man was up a ladder putting up a bill poster outside a cinema in Newcastle
An attractive lady looked up and asked him 'Is King Kong coming ?'
'Ee I'm sorry Pet !' said the man ... 'IT'S JUST THE PASTE OFF ME BRUSH !!'
Elton John is getting divorced from his busband already !
Rumour has it that David has been having sex BEHIND HIS BACK !!
Elton John has taken delivery of a super new car ... a PERVERTABLE. The hood doesn't go down BUT THE CHAUFFEUR DOES !!
George Bush has come up with his strategy to combat global warming. He's going to BOMB EVERYWHERE THAT'S HOT !!
A pharmacist went for his lunchbreak and on his return there was a man shaking and sweating in the corner of his shop. 'Who's he ?' he asked the assistant. 'He came in with a bad cough and as we've sold out of cough linctus, I gave him a big bottle of laxative ... and he's drunk the lot !' 'That won't cure his cold' said the chemist. 'You're wrong' said his assistant ... 'HE HASN'T COUGHED FOR AN HOUR !!'