Same Old Gags !

.....Some old pub jokes

(Note : Whilst none of our gags contain overtly obscene material, some are of a 'rude' nature and could offend. Some are not suitable for children. You have been warned.)

A young couple went to see the Vicar !

The wife said : 'We've just had a baby boy, Vicar, and have come to ask your advice on what to call him'.

'We're both big Orson Wells fans' explained the husband .....'So do you think it would be okay if we were to call him Orson ?'

'I really do think' said the Vicar 'that you should give the matter very careful thought, Mr. & Mrs. Carte' !!!

A dirty old man was lying in bed with his new young Thai bride whom he had just brought back to sunny Byker !

She was stroking his Todger and gazing wistfully at the bedroom ceiling in their scruffy council house.

'You worship that thing, don't you ?' he said.

'Not really' she replied 'but it reminds me of what mine used to be like !!!'

The recent earthquake, with its epicentre in Lincolnshire was felt as far away as BYKER ..... where it caused several million pounds worth of IMPROVEMENTS !!!

A man had drunk 15 pints of beer in a pub and fell to the floor of the bar. He crawled across the pub floor, out the door and crawled over the road to his house. He struggled to get his key in the lock then dragged himself up the stairs and into bed. His wife woke him up the next morning, telling him that he must have been mortal the night before ! How's that ? he asked. 'YOU LEFT YOUR WHEELCHAIR IN THE PUB !!' she retorted !

What's the difference between SENSUALITY and PERVERSION ? Sensuality is a feather ...... whilst PERVERSION IS THE WHOLE CHICKEN !!!

A young lass was walking her dog in the park when she came across an elderly man who was crying his eyes out on a park bench.

Osama bin Laden has issued another recorded message. He simply said 'The England football team are shite !!'

MI5 have stated that despite their best endeavours they can not specifically date this message but that it was recorded sometime between 1966 and the present day !!

Sunderland FC have appointed a new spiritual adviser in the form of a local priest .... FATHER DOON !!

John Holmes, the late American porn star, was on his Honeymoon with his first wife, who was a virgin until she got married.

They turned the lights out in the bedroom on the first night and a few minutes later he said to his wife : 'Is it in yet ??'

The owner of a sleezy Soho nightclub was on holiday in Morocco, when he came across one of the locals who was married with 15 wives ! They got talking and the Cockney suggested that as the man was obviously a superstud that he could perform in a live sex show at his nightclub.

On his first night, the Arab was performing to a packed house with fifteen girls lined up.

However, when he got to number 14 he could not manage another and there was a near riot in the club, with glasses and tables being hurled about.

The manager got on the microphone and told his audience that he could not understand what had happened, as an hour before the Moroccan had been fantastic in rehersals !!

NORTHERN ROCK CRISIS : In the immortal words of the late Bobby Thompson

'LET THEM I OWES IT TO WORRY !!!'

A man pulled up in his car to ask directions from a local in Sunderland

The lad scratched his shaven head, saying ' S..U..N ... no there isn't mate !!'

Elton John is standing in for Pavarotti in the 3 tenors ensemble

They will in future be known as TWO TENORS AND A NINE BOB NOTE !!

The captain said to the new cabin boy :

'Just bend over and look out of the port hole and you'll see them !'

The lad stuck his head out of the porthole but couldn't see anything ...

'What wh EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ls ?' he screeched !!

Jim was a fantastic guy.

He was kind, understanding and generous to a fault.

He was physically magnificent and an amazing lover.

He was academically brilliant and could hold a conversation with the best of them.

He was great with the kids and was never worse for wear with the drink.

He was better than Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen, but he never spoke a foul word.

I never actually met Jim.

I MARRIED HIS EX-WIFE !!

A female client phoned up the solicitors Murphy, Murphy and Murphy ....

'Can I speak to Mr. Murphy ?' she asked the man on the phone.

'I'm sorry' he said, 'he's in court'.

'Well can I speak to Mr. Murphy ?' she said

'He's with a client', was the reply.

'Can I speak to Mr. Murphy, then ? she begged ...

'Speaking !!' he replied !!!

A soldier went for his annual medical.

The doctor looked at him very seriously and said :

'You are going to have to stop masturbating, young man !'

'Why's that ?' said the Private.

'Because, I'm still examining you' said the doc !

An elderly lady went into a sex shop.

She was shaking uncontrollably.

She asked the assistant if they sold Big Black Mamba Vibrators.

'Yes Madam' he replied, 'They're the biggest ones we do !'.

'Could you possibly help me ?' she said ......

'How do you switch them off ??' !!!

A Devon farmer has achieved a world first by managing to cultivate a field full of dildos

Unfortunately he is having terrible problems with squatters !!

A student phoned his landlord up and said :

'This flat's a disgrace, there are rats the size of dogs !'

The landlord agreed to come around and see for himself and the student proceeded to place a loaf of bread on the floor in the middle of the living room and told the landlord to keep quiet and to watch .......

A trout came out of a hole in the skirting, took a bite out of the loaf and went back in again !

'What the hell was that ?' asked the landlord.

'I'm not bothered about the rising damp' said the student 'just get rid of those rats !!!'

The landlord went into the flat next door because of another complaint ..... and the female student said that she had rising trout !!

'Don't you mean rising damp ?' said the landlord.

'No' she said 'I mean rising trout !!!'

A young lad pleaded with his Dad to buy him a television for his bedroom.

'You're not getting one' his father said, 'I don't want you watching all that filth on the television !'

Eventually, his parents bought him a tele and the following morning over breakfast he said to his Dad

'I was watching the TV all night, Dad ........ what's 'love juice' ?

'I knew I shouldn't have let you have a television, his father said ... and went on to tell him all about the birds and the bees in graphic detail !

'Anyway', his Dad asked the lad, 'what dirty film were you watching ?'

'I was watching the tennis !!!'

A woman found out that her husband had been having an affair with his favourite female friend !

She confronted him saying that she wanted a divorce.

Then she had words with his friend :

'You've been a very very naughty dog !!!

Did you hear about the agoraphobic homosexual ?

He'd no sooner 'come out' than he went back in again !!

George Bush and Tony Blair have issued a Press Release on their joint strategy to combat global warming.

'WE ARE GOING TO BOMB EVERYWHERE THAT IS HOT' !!!

A tramp went into Northern Goldsmiths in Newcastle.

He proceeded to drop his filthy trousers and start scratching his bottom !

'Get out ..... you dirty old man' screamed one of the girls.

'I'm doing nothing wrong, hinnie' said the tramp.

'You've got a big sign in the window which says HIGH CLASS JEWELLERS, COME INSIDE AND PICK YOUR RING AT YOUR LEISURE !!!'

Geordie said to his mate in the club

'Wor lass has a fantastic figure ........it's just that it's covered with fat !!'

A man went into Tom Swan's builder's merchants in North Shields.

'I want about 60,000 bricks !' he said to the man on the counter.

'What are you building ?' asked the assistant.

'A barbeque' replied the customer.

'You don't need anything like that amount' said the assistant.

'That's where you're wrong' said the man

'I live on the 17th floor !!'

A woman collared a man in a Tyneside street ...

'You're the father of one of my children !' she said.

'I remember you now' the man replied, 'I'm awfully sorry ...

It was that drunken Stag Weekend about six years ago in Newcastle , I made mad passionate love to you in that hotel bedroom while one of the lads was hitting me on the bottom with a frozen kipper !!'

'You misunderstand me' she said

'I'm your son's English teacher !!'

The Wing Commander on the aircraft screamed at Quazimodo :

'For God's sake, Quazi, jump !'

'It's a hump, not a parashute !' shouted Quazi !!

A man won millions on the lottery and decided to construct a top-class golf course.

A few days before it was due to open he spotted lots of mole hills on the last green, so he phoned the local mole catcher - telling him that he wanted the moles killed in the nastiest way possible, as he had spent so much money on the course !

When the little old fella had sorted out the moles he arrived with his invoice at the golf club.

'How did you kill them ?' asked the owner.

'Well Sir', he said

'I killed them in the worst way possible ....... I buried them alive !!'

(Gag kindly supplied by the Rev. Tim Duff)

What's the difference between a seagull and a baby ?

One flits about the shore ..... !

What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon ?

One is for cunning stunts .... !

A Chinese couple have just had China's first Albino child.

Which just goes to prove two Wongs can make a white !!

A very fat couple were making love in their Council House

The fat guy said 'It's no good honey, I'm going to have to stop'

'What's wrong ?' she asked

'My bottom's touching the light bulb !!' he replied.

A l ittle lad said to his dad

'Daddy there's a man at the front door with a moustache'

His dad replied

'Tell him to bugger off, I've got one already !'

What do you call a camel with 4 humps ?

A SAUDI QUATTRO !!

And, of course, a camel with 3 humps is HUMPHREY !!

An elderly man ran naked through the marquee at the Whitley Bay Flower Show

They gave him first prize for his DRIED ARRANGEMENT !!

George Bush got a phone call from the head of the military in Afganistan to tell him that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in action.

'Gee' he said to his wife that night 'That's real sad about those guys in Afganistanland,

But tell me honey ........ how many is a Brazilian ? !!'

A young, heavily-pregnant, teenager from Byker, frantically phoned her mother up

'Mam, I think mee waters have broken !' she screeched

'I'll be straight roond when I've finished me ciggie !' said her mother

'Where are you ringing from, Pet ?'

'From me nickers right doon to me feet !!' said the lass

Two men escaped on bicycles from the Tynemouth Lunatic Asylum

A few miles down the road one of them pulled into the kerb and let his rear tyre down !

'The saddle was too high !', he said

A bit further down the road, the other guy stopped his bike and turned the handlebars around through 180 degrees !

'I'm not riding with a nutter like you' he said, 'I'm going back to Tynemouth !!'

BIG BROTHER : If JADE GOODY lived in India, she'd be SACRED !!

The only perfume left lying on the beach after the recent shipwreck was JADE GOODY !!

To illustrate that she is not a racialist, Miss Goody intends to convert to the Islamic religion and to call herself YAFFAT F**KA !!

Jade Goody went to the world premier of Dracula and the Beast on the London stage ...

They put the spotlight on her, as they thought it was the co-star making a guest appearance !!

What's the difference between a man and a pig ?

AFTER 12 PINTS OF LAGER, A PIG DOESN'T TURN INTO A MAN !!

Two high class girls were in the lift in the exclusive Montague Court apartment block in Gosforth, when a stunning-looking male executive type got into the lift

When he got off at the next floor one of the girls said 'My God what a dish, but did you see his dandruff ?'

Her friend said 'If he was my boyfriend, I'd give him Head and Shoulders'

'HOW DO YOU GIVE SHOULDERS ?' asked the other !!

Definition of an alcoholic : GREEN SHOES AND A RUSTY ZIP !

Definition of a nyphomaniac : A woman who's seen more ceilings than Michaelangelo !!

Or ...... a nymphomaniac is a woman who can trip a man up and is underneath him before he hits the floor

!!

Michaelangelo was just finishing off the ceiling of the Cystine Chapel after nine years on his back when his boss came in and said 'You can call it a day Mike, the Pope has decided he wants it papered !!'

What is 40 yards long, has false teeth and stinks of urine ?

THE FRONT ROW OF A CLIFF RICHARD CONCERT !!

What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat ?

One mucks about in the fountain .... !

What's the difference between a mountain goat and a butler ?

One does his panting in the country .... !

An elderly lady went to see a monumental sculptor to order a headstone for her own grave !

She explained to the man that she went to church every Sunday, had never been with a man in her life and that she lived a pure and clean existance

He gave it a bit of thought when she departed and on the headstone he carved the words MARY HIGGINS. RETURNED UNOPENED !

Geordie and his wife wanted a bit of spice in their sex lives and replied to an advert for SWINGERS WANTED in the evening paper

They organised a foursome with another couple at their house

Geordie was lying in bed that night, thinking what great sex he had had !

He said to his partner 'That was fantastic, I wonder how the girls are getting on !!'

A Welshman went to the doctors and told him that he thought he had a sexually transmitted ailment

'There's nothing wrong with you' said the doctor,

you're just allergic to wool !!'

The Queen was unable to go along to open the new Arsenal stadium recently because she had a bad back

A Royal spokesman said that she would not be going to the Stadium of Light, as Sunderland have got TWO BAD BACKS !!

A young lad went along to the Synagogue for an interview to train as a Rabbi

He had replied to a newspaper advert : '£250 a week PLUS TIPS !'

He saw the sign over the door WE KEEP THE PIECE

'Are you sure you're CUT OUT for the job ?' asked the Rabbi

'I'm not sure' replied the lad ....'But, Sir, don't you think it's a bit optimistic cutting an inch off BEFORE YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO BE ?!!'

Anyway, the Rabbi gave the boy a start, but he slipped on the first day and GOT THE SACK !!

There was a power cut in the Cumbrian hills and a farmer says to his wife 'Lets have a early night and play games in bed !'

'Let's play GUESS THE FLAVOUR OF MY CONDOM' he said

As soon as they got into the sack his wife said 'Cheese and Onion !'

'I HAVEN'T EVEN OPENED THE PACKET YET' said her husband !!

A man went to the doctors to get the result of his tests

The doctor said 'Do you want the good or the bad news ?'

'What's the good news ?' he ventured

'The good news is that you have 24 hours to live !'

'Good God' said the patient, 'What's the bad news ??'

'I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU YESTERDAY !!'said the doctor

Geordie came back in from work at the shipyard to find his wife boiling one of his socks on the stove

'What the hell are you up to, woman ?' he asked

'I'm just obeying your orders' she said ...

'You came into the bedroom drunk last night, and before you collapsed, you shouted WASH MY SOCK !!'

Geordie went into the Working Mens Club for a drink

His mate asked him 'Have you got a job yet Geordie ?'

'Funny you should ask that' said Geordie, 'I've just started making donations to the local Sperm Bank, and withing 3 months I should have made over a thousand pounds'

'Ee', said his mate, 'YOU'RE MAKING MONEY HAND OVER FIST !!'

A huntsman in the Yorkshire Dales called into the pub after the hunt

He said to the attractive woman at the bar 'Excuse me, I'm a little stiff from riding !'

'WAS THAT THE EAST OR THE WEST RIDING ?' said she !

A call girl, who lived on the top floor of a block of flats in Scotswood Road, Newcastle was having a relaxing drink in the Fawcett Inn after a hard day's work

'Ee', she said, 'I've had over 70 men up them stairs today and there's no lift !!'

'Never' said her friend, taking a swig of her Newcastle Broon ... 'YOUR POOR FEET !!'

Quasimodo was being chased down the back lane by dozens of kids

'Bugger off' he shouted, 'I HAVEN'T GOT YOUR FOOTBALL !!'

A Jewish man was on his deathbed

His wife was at his bedside and asked him if he had a final wish

'Get a Catholic priest, I want to convert !' said he.

'What on earth for ?' asked his wife.

'I'D RATHER ONE OF THEM DIED THAN ONE OF US !!!'

A suicide bomber went into a petshop

'You've all got 60 seconds to get out' he shouted

'You swine' said the parrot. 'WHAT ABOUT THE TORTOISE !!'

What's the similarity between a man 500 ft up on a tightrope and a young man doing something very intimate with his 80 year old girlfriend down below ?

THEY ARE BOTH TERRIFIED TO LOOK DOWN !!

A blind prostitute : you've got to hand it to her !!

How do you get a fat person into bed ?

A PIECE OF CAKE !!

Israeli army survival kit : A fez and a clip-on foreskin !!

It is reported that over 3,000 Israeli troops went into Jordan last night

Her agent says she is looking forward to the next regiment !!

The Reverend Iain Paisley was giving one his lengthy sermons in his Belfast Church.

He banged his fist on the pulpit, shouting 'And there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth !'

An old fella on the front row, who was wearing dentures, put his hand up and said

'Mr. Paisley, what happens if you've no teeth ?'

The Reverend continued to bang his fist, declaring

'TEETH WILL BE PROVIDED !!'

Will the last person to leave Poland please turn off the light !!

Why has a milking stool only got 3 legs ?

THE COW'S GOT THE UDDER ONE !!

Esmeralda was out with the girls in the Notre Dame region of Paris

She got out her purse to pay for a round of drinks.

'My God, your purse is just about bursting' said one of her friends

'You must be carrying a fortune in there'.

'I'm not actually' she replied, 'It's just a photo of Quazi !!'

What's the difference between Batman and a teenage delinquent ?

BATMAN CAN GO OUT WITHOUT ROBIN !!

An elderly couple were sitting together in Church one Sunday morning.

The wife whispered in her husband's ear "I've just dropped one of those nasty silent ones, what shall I do ?"

"GET A NEW BATTERY FOR YOUR HEARING AID" he retorted !!

A man went into North Shields library and asked the librarian if they had any books on committing suicide.

He returned to the main desk after a few minutes to complain that he couldn't find any.

The librarian apologised, saying 'The problem is, they very rarely bring them back !!'

Geordie was talking to his mate in the Club, saying 'It's a shame about that bloke in Tynemouth getting struck off the Medical Register for interfering with his patients.

'I agree' said his pal, 'He was a first class Vet !!'

Paul McCartney's new release : MUG OF KINTYRE !!

What's the difference between the late John Holmes and John Prescott ?

...... ABOUT 13 INCHES !!

John Prescott went into a butcher's shop in his constituency

'Is that a pig's head ?' he enquired

'No, John' replied the butcher 'IT'S A MIRROR !!'

Fatty Prescott's secretary, Tracey Temple, described his lovemaking as being like a huge wardrobe falling on top of her with the key sticking out !!

The CPS considered charging the deputy Prime Minister with Misuse of Government Property and with Having an Offensive Person on his Weapon !

His secretary, having been severely rogered by her boss at work, took her dress to the dry-cleaners. 'Can you get this stain out ?' she enquired. 'Come again ?' said the assistant. 'No' she said, 'I think it's mayonnaise !!'

Tracey Temple admitted : 'Now it's out in the open, I feel that a great weight has been lifted from me !!'

She said that she was considering reporting her boss to Trading Standards for dispensing SHORT MEASURE !! As she said, 'It was like using an enormous hammer to knock in a very small nail !!'

An elderly lady was running around the old folk's home naked !

Two male residents saw her streak past the television lounge

One of them asked the other : 'What was that woman wearing ?'

'I don't know' said the other 'BUT IT NEEDED IRONING !!'

A young good looking Jewish lad was telling his Dad about the girl he met last night.

'She's a lovely redhead called Sheila McCafferty', he said.

'That's no good' said his Dad, 'you should be going out with a nice Jewish girl.'

A few weeks later, the lad was telling his father that he had scored with another girl

.

'What's her name ?' asked his father

.

'Goldberg' the boy replied.

'That's better' his father said.'And what's her first name ?'

'WHOOPIE !!' said the lad.

Two men escaped from the Tynemouth Lunatic Asylum and when they met up on the road the next day, one of them had a bike.

'Where did you get the bike ?' said one of them.

'I was walking through Northumberland Park'he replied 'When I came across this lovely lass.

She was sunbathing with her knickers off next to her bike and said I could have anything I liked !

So I TOOK THE BIKE !'

'You did the right thing' his mate said.

'THOSE KNICKERS WOULD NEVER HAVE FITTED YOU !!'

Geordie said to his mate in the working mens club

'What are those little pimples around a woman's nipple ?'

'They're BRAILLE for SUCK HERE !!' his mate replied.

A bloke said to his wife

'I've just bought a box of those new OLYMPIC CONDOMS !!

Shall I wear a gold one tonight ??'

'Why don't you wear silver and COME SECOND FOR A CHANGE !!' she retorted.

Geordie was chatting up a young lass in a bar in Tynemouth

She said 'Guess who the best male lovers in the world are ?'

'No idea' said Geordie

'I've just read that the best superstuds are cowboys and Jews' she said

'Anyway' she said .... 'What's your name ?'

'WILD BILL ROSENBERG !!'

he replied.

A man went into the doctors in Tynemouth with a problem of a personal nature

The doctor examined him and told him that he had a very nasty sexually transmitted disease

'I've never been with a woman' protested the man ...

'I must have caught it from a toilet seat !!'

'Well, you must have been CHEWING it' said the doctor ...

'It's in your GUMS !!'

Geordie was drinking with his mate in the Byker working mens' club

'I was reading about the long term effects of heavy drinking, last night' said Geordie

'That's me finished' he said. 'NO MORE READING FOR ME !!'

The Guinness Book of Records has issued a statement : The world's most dangerous sport is now 'QUAIL HUNTING WITH DICK CHENEY !

An elderly couple met in the piano bar on a Saga cruise ship.

They retired to the old man's cabin for a bit of hanky panky.

The old fella got out a packet of condoms !

When the old lady remarked that he did not need a condom at his age, he said : 'This is the only part of my body that hasn't got arthritis and the doctor says I have to keep it dry !!'

An ordinary cockerel says Cock-a-doodle doo

A dyslexic cockerel says Doodle-doodle cock

A Liberal Democrat cockerel says ANY COCK WILL DO !!

Geordie said to his mate 'It must have been a hell of a job putting handcuffs on that Abu Hamza bloke !!'

'He was stopped on the motorway for using his phone' said Geordie ' so he had to get a HOOK-FREE MODEL !'

'It's not fair making him wipe his own bottom in prison !'Geordie said.

'After all, he's agreed to take a leading part in the prison pantomime. They're doing PETER PAN !!'

Geordie took his wife and mother-in-law on holiday to Israel

His mother-in-law died on the first day of her holiday !

The Israeli undertaker told Geordie that he could bury her much cheaper in Israel than it would cost to have her sent home

'I'd rather pay the extra' said Geordie

'I've only read of one funeral in this country, and he came back after 3 days !!'

Geordie and his mate flew to Paris with Easyjet for the weekend and scored with a couple of French girls on the first night

At three in the morning, Geordie knocked on his mate's bedroom door

'WHAT'S FRENCH FOR SOIXANTE-NEUF ?' asked Geordie !!

The next morning over breakfast Geordie said to his pal

'I had to kick her out at half past three ... I COULDN'T MANAGE ANOTHER SIXTY EIGHT OF THOSE !!'

A man was up a ladder putting up a bill poster outside a cinema in Newcastle

An attractive lady looked up and asked him 'Is King Kong coming ?'

'Ee I'm sorry Pet !' said the man ... 'IT'S JUST THE PASTE OFF ME BRUSH !!'

Elton John is getting divorced from his busband already !

Rumour has it that David has been having sex BEHIND HIS BACK !!

Elton John has taken delivery of a super new car ... a PERVERTABLE. The hood doesn't go down BUT THE CHAUFFEUR DOES !!

George Bush has come up with his strategy to combat global warming. He's going to BOMB EVERYWHERE THAT'S HOT !!

A pharmacist went for his lunchbreak and on his return there was a man shaking and sweating in the corner of his shop. 'Who's he ?' he asked the assistant. 'He came in with a bad cough and as we've sold out of cough linctus, I gave him a big bottle of laxative ... and he's drunk the lot !' 'That won't cure his cold' said the chemist. 'You're wrong' said his assistant ... 'HE HASN'T COUGHED FOR AN HOUR !!'

Geordie was necking on with a new lass in the front of his Lada and started to undo her blouse

He tried to get her to go into the back seat, but she refused, saying

'I'm not gannin in the back seat Geordie !'

Eventually he managed to get her bra undone and begged her to get into the back seat

She started crying and screamed out 'I divn't want to get into the back seat Geordie,

I WANT TO STAY HERE WITH YOU !!'

Geordie said to his wife

'Why do you always close your eyes when we make love ?'

'Because I DON'T LIKE TO SEE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!' she retorted.

A Jewish lady phoned the Newcastle Evening Chronicle

'I would like to place an advert to say that my husband has died' she said

'All I want to say is MANNIE'S DEAD'

'The minimum is 5 words for £2.50, Mrs. Cohen' said the sales girl

'Let me see', said Mrs. Cohen ...... 'MANNIE'S DEAD, MERCEDES FOR SALE' !!

An Irish girl went to live in London and returned a year later to see her family in Dublin

'I have a confession' said the girl to her mother

'I can't make ends meet and have had to become a prostitute !'

Her mother was aghast .... 'You've become what ?' screamed the mother

'A prostitute' said the girl

'The saints be praised' said the mother, 'I thought you said PROTESTANT !!

Geordie went to see the doctor

'Can you test me to see if I am homosexual ?' said Geordie

'Why do you want to know ?' asked the doctor

'Well' said Geordie, 'My twin brother is gay'

'That doesn't mean that you are' said the doctor.

'I know' said Geordie 'but my father came out when he was 35'

'I see' said the doctor.

'And my grandfather hasn't worn mens' clothes since the sixties !'

'IS THERE ANYONE IN YOUR FAMILY SLEEPS WITH WOMEN ? asked the doctor.

'Oh yes !' replied Geordie ..... 'MY SISTER' !!

Geordie said to his wife 'What do you want for your birthday, pet ?

'A WIDOW'S PENSION' she replied !!

Three lasses were having a drink in a bar in Byker.

The first one said : 'I wish I was Britney Spears - she's got men queing up for her'

The second said : 'I wish I was Jordan - she's fighting the men off'

The third said : 'I've just seen the billboard for News of the World about Sarah Pipallini - what a Bimbo !'

'Who the hell is Sarah Pipallini ?' asked one of the lasses, reaching for the newspaper.

There on the centre spread of News of the World was the headline - SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 1,500 MEN IN TWO WEEKS !!

Geordie went to RADA to study acting.

He was out of work for ages after graduating, but was eventually offered a small part in a sitcom.

He was telling his Mam : 'I'm playing the part of a man who has been married for 30 years'

'Don't worry Son' she said, 'You'll soon get a speaking part !!'

Geordie was trying to chat up a shapely young lady in trendy Apartment bar in Newcastle.

'I've started using Grecian 2000 on my hair' said Geordie.

'That's funny' said the lass, 'I was just saying to my friend that you look like a 2000 year old Greek !'

Geordie's aircraft was about to taxi down the runway at Newcastle airport when he stood up a and started singing loudly in a foreign language !

A steward rushed up to him, asking him what he was doing.

'I'm singing the Iraqi National Anthem' said Geordie 'And if anyone else joins in, I'm getting out of here !'

When Geordie was a bairn of four years old he was determined not to go to school.

His Dad said to him 'Geordie, ye've got to gan to school between the age of four and sixteen !'

'I divn't want to gan, Dad' pleaded little Geordie ..... but his Dad dragged him kicking and screaming to the school gates.

'I divn't want to gan Dad' screamed the bairn !

Geordie was crying his little eyes out, looking through the wrought iron bars around the school yard as his Dad walked away.

'Dad !' he screamed .... 'DIVN'T FORGET TO COME BACK FOR ME WHEN I'M SIXTEEN !!!'

Poem :

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue.

I am schizophrenic.

And so am I.

Geordie was driving along the road and was pulled in by a Police car.

'I've got some bad news for you Geordie' said the copper.

'Your wife fell out of the car a few miles down the road and she has been taken to hospital'

'Thank God for that' said Geordie, 'I thought I'd gone deaf !!

Geordie went to the doctors with an irritation of a personal nature.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination.

'Do you want the good news or the bad news ?' said the Doc.

'What's the bad news ?' asked Geordie.

'You've got a sexually transmitted disease' the Doctor replied.

'What's the good news then ? said Geordie.

'Well' said the Doctor, 'I suggest that you have been with a very high class lady ...... you've got LOBSTERS !!'

Geordie went up to a stunningly attactive lass in the Pitcher and Piano on Newcastle Quayside ....

'You remind me of my 5th wife !' he said to her.

'How many times have you been married ?' said she .......

'FOUR !!' replied Geordie.

Beckhams last penalty of the UEFA Cup has just landed in the back garden of his house in MADRID !!!

Saddam Hussein has been handed down the death penalty ...

Unfortunately, BECKHAM IS GOING TO TAKE IT !!

Over 38% of men have had sex in the shower ..... the rest haven't been to prison yet !!

Two old men were talking in the working mens club.

One said to the other.

'There are no proper tradesmen these days ....... no-one could stain a floor like my great grandfather'

'Was he a French polisher ?' replied his mate.

'NO .... HE WAS INCONTINENT !!!'

Chief Sitting Bull was on his death-bed.

His wife was at his bedside.

She swore on her childrens' lives that she would never, ever go with another man after he died.

Anyway Sitting Bull kicked the bucket the next day.

His widow lasted a week before she finished up in bed with the tribe's SUPER-STUD !......

Her name was LYING COW !!

Geordie said to his mate : 'My eyesight is getting terrible ...... I got in from the pub last night, switched on the tele and thought I was watching a sordid blue movie !

When I put my specs on I realised that it was ROLF HARRIS EATING A BANANA !!'

A 54 year old professor of Mathematics left a note for his wife, as follows :

'I have decided that I need some excitement in my life, so I am taking my 18 year old research assistant out tonight ..... don't wait up for me !'

When he returned home in the early hours to find the house deserted.

His wife had left a note on the hall table, which read :

'I am spending the night with fit, 18 year old lad, who works at the local swimming pool !

I am sure that as a mathematician you will be able to illustrate that 18 goes more times into 54 than does 54 into 18 !!'

Tony Blair and Prince Phillip were sat next to each other at a State banquet.

Phillip leaned across to Tony and whispered in his ear :

'Got a bit of a problem, Old Boy ..... the 'old man' doesn't seem to want to rise to the occasion these days !'

'Had the same problem myself' replied Tony ... 'What with all the stress of Iraq and the tuition fees thing in the House !'

'But got it cracked' said Tony ......

'I find if I drop my pyjamas before getting into bed and whack it hard a few times on the bedside cabinet, it seems to jog it into action !

Anyway, Philip trotted into the bedroom that night, where his beloved was pretending to be asleep ... and proceeded to bash his member on the bedside table !

The Queen looked up in shock, saying : 'IS THAT YOU, TONY !!'

A Polish guy went to the optician .....

'Can you please read the top line of the chart, Mr. Kobliznska' - said the Optician.

'Can I read it ?' he replied .... 'He's a good friend of mine !!'

Geordie was up in Crown Court for shooting a Golden Eagle in Northumberland .....

The Judge retorted : 'Why did you shoot the eagle, Geordie ?'

'I was shooting pheasant' Geordie said, 'and the eagle got into me line of fire !'

'What did you do with it ?' asked the Judge.

'I ate it' replied Geordie.

'What on earth did it taste like ?', asked the judge.

'A BIT LIKE SWAN !!' Geordie replied.

Geordie said to his mate :

'I bought this jacket at Oxfam today for a fiver ... it's almost perfect.

The only problem is that this sleeve is slightly longer than the other two !'

Geordie was feeling in a benevolent mood as he had just received his redundancy pay from the shipyard.

'I feel like spending a lot of money' he said to his wife.

'Would you like to go on a world cruise ?'

'Definitely not' she replied.

'Well, would you like a new car ?'

'Not really' she said.

'Well what do you want, woman ?' said Geordie.

'I want a divorce' she said.

'I DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND THAT MUCH !!' said Geordie.

Police recently sealed off a street in North Shields, as a member of the public had spotted an unusual object in a motor vehicle.

It turned out to be a TAX DISC !!

Little boy said to his mother : 'Does the Swedish au pair girl come apart, Mammy ?'

'Of course not' said his mother.

'That's funny' said the lad, 'I just heard Daddy say that he would love to screw the arse off her !!'

Geordie said to his wife : 'You'll never guess who I bumped into on my way to the Eye Clinic yesterday ...'

'Who was that ?' she replied.

'EVERYBODY !!' he said.

Why do husbands usually die before their wives ?

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO !!

Geordie was lying in bed with his wife .......

'You never tell me when you've had a climax !' said Geordie.

'It's not my fault' said his wife ........ 'YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO PHONE YOU AT WORK !!'

It is a fact that less than 15% of husbands kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

And yet, OVER 95% OF MEN KISS THE HOUSE GOODBYE WHEN THEY LEAVE THE WIFE !!

Three little boys were chatting in the school playground in North Shields.

The first one said : 'My Dad's the fastest man in the world - he can shoot an arrow and catch it before it lands !'

The second lad said : 'That's nothing - my Dad can fire a gun and catch the bullet before it lands !'

Little Geordie blurted out - 'That's nowt man - me Dad works for the Council - he finishes work at five - BUT HE'S BACK IN THE HOOSE BY FOUR !'

Geordie went to see the optician.

He could not read any of the charts that were put up in front of his eyes.

Shaking his head, the optician said : 'Geordie, you really will have to stop playing with yourself !'

'Does it affect me eyesight like ?' asked Geordie.

'No' said the optician .... 'YOU'VE UPSET ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WAITING ROOM !!'

Geordie said to his mate :

I haven't spoken to the wife for over 5 years ..... I DON'T LIKE TO INTERRUPT HER !!

A female circus dwarf went to the doctor, heavily pregnant.

The doc said 'Would you like to know the sex of your unborn child ?'

'I'm not really bothered', she replied ..... 'JUST AS LONG AS IT WILL FIT IN THE CANNON !!'

Geordie inserted an advert in the Personal Column of the Newcastle Evening Chronicle.

It read : 'Wife wanted by local man'.

He got several hundred replies, all saying more or less the same thing : 'YOU CAN HAVE MINE' !!

An elderly Jewish lady was on her death bed in hospital.

Her husband held her hand and said :

'Freda, is there any last thing I can do for you ?'

'Now that you mention it, Hymie, there is ........ buy me something RETAIL !!!'

What's the difference between Jeffrey Archer and Tony Blair ?

JEFFREY'S GOT CONVICTIONS !!

Geordie went for a job interview with the local Council.

There were 3 other applicants in the room and the Human Resources manager said :

'Right lads, What's the fastest thing in the world ?..... The man with the best answer gets the job !'

The first man said 'A thought, Sir' ..... 'Very good' said the manager.

The second said 'A blink of the eye, Sir' ....... 'Excellent' said the manager.

'A light, when it's switched on' the third guy said ........ 'Not bad' said the manager.

Geordie was scratching his head, then said 'DIARRHOEA !'.

'How come ?' asked the manager.

'Well' said Geordie'

'I woke up in bed last night and before I could THINK, BLINK, OR TURN THE LIGHT ON, I'D S**T MYSELF !!'

Osama Bin Laden had a magic mirror in his cave in Afganistan, and every morning before breakfast he would cheer himself up by saying to the mirror :

'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the nastiest and most evil person of them all ?'

And every day the mirror would reply 'You Osama, definitely you !!'

Then one day he came down to breakfast, after talking to the mirror, crying his eyes out.

One of his henchmen said 'What the hell's wrong with you Ossie ??'

'WHO'S EDWINA CURRIE ??' blurted a devastated Bin Laden !!

Geordie was lying in bed with his Missus, feeling philosophical.

'You know', he said, 'Women are like pianos ... WHEN THEY'RE NOT UPRIGHT, THEY'RE GRAND !'

'And men are like carpets', said his wife, 'IF YOU LAY THEM RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, YOU CAN WALK ALL OVER THEM

FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES !!'

An elderly Jewish couple were having no success in bed and the husband could not satisfy his wife.

They went to see the Rabbi for advice.

He suggested that his wife might get excited if they paid a strapping young Jewish boy to stand by the bed with no clothes on, waving a towel whilst they were making love. 'That is sure to turn her on' said the Rabbi.

But as this was unsuccessful, they went back for further counselling to the Rabbi.

'Why not let the young lad make love to your wife, while you wave the towel !' suggested the Rabbi.

Anyway, the young lad made fantastic love to the wife while the old man furiously waved a towel at the bedside, and sure enough his wife had the most monumental multiple orgasm !

When the young lad climbed off the bed the old man berated him, saying :

'YOU SCHMUCK ! THAT'S HOW TO WAVE A TOWEL PROPERLY !!!'

An Icelandic tourist's motorbike broke down in the Welsh mountains.

He pushed it into a local garage and waited patiently for it to be mended.

The mechanic came out, saying : 'You've blown a seal'

'So what !' said the Icelander ... 'I BET YOU'VE SHAGGED A SHEEP !!'

Geordie went into a bar on Newcastle Quayside and ordered a DOUBLE ENTENDRE

And the barmaid GAVE HIM ONE !!!

Geordie was working as a zoo keeper, in charge of the gorillas.

He went into one of the enclosures where a big gorilla had a Bible in one hand and a copy of Darwin's Origin of Species in the other.

'You can't read two books at once' said Geordie to the gorilla.

The gorilla scratched his head and said :

'I CAN'T FIGURE OUT IF I AM MY BROTHER'S KEEPER OR MY KEEPER'S BROTHER !!'

George Best woke up after the operation with his surgeon at the bedside.

'Do you want the good news or the bad news ?', said the surgeon.

'What's the good news ?' asked George.

'The operation has been 100% successful', replied the surgeon.

'But what's the bad news ?' asked George.

'I'VE GIVEN YOU OLIVER REED'S LIVER !!!' said the surgeon.

Geordie's wife sent him to the greengrocers to get some potatoes.

He said to the lass 'Five pounds of potatoes, Hinnie'.

'We've gone metric, Geordie, its KILOS now' said the assistant.

'Nee problem' said Geordie, 'Giv us FIVE POUNDS OF KILOS !!!'

Geordie bumped into an old school friend who was wandering around with bare feet in Byker,

'Everything has gone wrong' said his mate

'I think the wife is having an affair .... the daughter is going out with a drug dealer .... my business is going under ... and my health is failing.

I can't even afford a pair of shoes !'

'What size do you take ?' asked Geordie

'Size 10' he replied.

'I take an 8' said Geordie, 'I'll give you a pair of mine if you like'

'Nee problem' said his mate, 'I'll squeeze into them somehow !'

Geordie saw his friend again a few days later, and he was looking even more depressed.

'How's it going ?' asked Geordie.

'Terrible', he replied .... 'Wor lass has left me for a 20 stone boxer ... the daughter's pregnant to the drug dealer ... I've just gone bankrupt ...and I've just found out that I've got a heart complaint !'

'In fact' he said ... 'THE ONLY RELIEF I GET IS WHEN I TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF !!'

Geordie got fixed up with a construction job in the Tunisian desert.

After a few weeks, he asked one of the lads what they did for sex.

'No problem mate' he said ...'the camels are out the back'.

Geordie was most unhappy at the prospect of a camel, but after a few weeks, in desperation, he went round the back with a pair of stepladders and started making love to a camel.

The boss caught him at it ... shouting 'What the hell are you up to Geordie, you dirty bugger?'

'I was told that the lads use the camels for sex' said Geordie.

'You stupid bugger, Geordie' he shouted 'THEY USE THE CAMELS FOR RIDING INTO TOWN TO MEET THE GIRLS !!'

Geordie bought a bar in Byker and got an architect on site to give him a quote for refurbishment.

'What style of interior design had you in mind ?' asked the architect.

'Minimalist' said Geordie.

'I'm afraid, Sir, that your budget won't stretch to that !' said the architect !!

A late middle-aged lady from Tyneside went to Barbados with the girls.

She finished up in bed on the first night with a strapping young local lad.

She passionately ran her fingers through his hair and whispered :

'Although my hair is like WINTER, my heart is like SUMMER !'

'Honey' he replied, 'IF YOU DON''T PUT SOME SPRING IN YOUR ARSE, WE'LL BE HERE TILL AUTUMN !!'

(Gag suppied by Mr. Hallum Gill of St. Michael's, Barbados WI ... nice one Hallum !)

The England soccer coach got into bed with Ulrika for the first time ...

'I thought you said you were a natural blonde ?' said Sven.

'Listen !' said the Swedish Bicycle ..

'You know when you are putting a nail in and you hit your thumb and it turns black ?

'Of course' said Sven

'WELL, THIS HAS HAD SOME HAMMER !! said she !

What's the difference between a TURNIP and a SWEDE ??

........ YOU CAN GET YOUR LEG OVER WITH A SWEDE !!!

Geordie's wife went to buy a carpet in a large department store.

As she was leaving, one of the lady assistants asked her if everything was okay.

'I got fixed up with a carpet, hinnie', she replied. 'But where can I get felt ?'

'No problem; said the assistant, 'WE ALL GET FELT IN THE MANAGER'S OFFICE !!'

Three Geordies were lined up at the Golden Gates in Heaven

St. Peter said to them : 'You see all of those ducks between here and the next gates ... If you stand on any of the ducks, you will finish up with an ugly woman for eternity !'

The first man set off, but ... QUACK QUACK ... he stood on a duck's foot, and a horrible old woman with a hunch back was waiting for him !

The second guy was nearly up the hill, when... QUACK QUACK he stood on a duck's beak ... and a fat ugly woman with no teeth was waiting with arms

outstretched !!

The third man picked his way carefully through the ducks ... and was met at the other end by a beautiful shapely blonde !

'What did you do to deserve me ?' said Geordie

'I STOOD ON A DUCK !' she retorted !!

A young woman patient was careering around the corridors of a psychiatric hospital in her wheelchair at breakneck speed when her passage was blocked by another patient ...

'STOP' he said, with his hand raised like a policeman. 'DRIVING LICENCE PLEASE !'.

She handed him a Kit Kat bar from her tunic, and off she sped !

After another full circuit of the hospital he stopped her again ...'STOP' he said ...'M.O.T PLEASE !'

She handed him a Kleenex tissue, and took off again ...

Third time round he was waiting for her with his trousers around his ankles and in a state of acute arousal !

She screeched to a halt ... saying ... 'NOT THAT BREATHALISER THING AGAIN !!'

Geordie and his mate were having of Newcastle Broon in the Working Mens' Club.

Geordie's brand new mobile phone rang ... it was his wife.

'I can't understand it !' said Geordie.

'HOW DID SHE KNOW I WAS HERE !!!'

Geordie was digging a hole in his garden when his next door neighbour peered over the fence.

'What are you digging a hole for Geordie ?' said his nieighbour.

'I'm digging a grave for my goldfish' said Geordie.

'It's a bit on the big side for a goldfish' said his neighbour.

'I know' said Geordie ...'IT'S INSIDE YOUR CAT !!'

A big guy and a little bloke were having a punch-up outside of St. James' Park after the match.

The little fella was getting the worst of it ... so the big man stopped punching him.

'Haven't you had enough ?' said the big guy.

'I don't know !' said the little man ... 'IT'S MY FIRST FIGHT !!'

Geordie's wife hit him over the head with a frying pan.

'What did you do that for, Hinnie ?' he said.

'I only found another woman's name in your trouser pocket !' she retorted. 'A lass called Anne-Marie !'

'That's a bloody horse woman' said Geordie, 'It ran in the 3.30 at Haydock today !'

The following day Geordie's wife hit him with a bigger frying pan.

'What was that for ?' yelled Geordie.

'YOUR HORSE IS ON THE PHONE !!' sreamed his missus.

The Police have picked up three of Osama Bin Laden's brothers in the West End of Newcastle :

BIN NICKIN'

BIN BONKIN'

BIN LAID-OFF

But they couldn't find BIN WORKIN' !!

Geordie went to see the psychiatrist.

He stripped off for the medical to reveal his clingfilm underpants !

The doctor said 'I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOU'RE NUTS !!

Two cannibals were eating a clown !

One said to the other : 'DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU ?!!'

What have Osama Bin Laden and a pair of tights got in common ?

THEY BOTH MAKE BUSHES SWEAT !!!

Geordie always sent his grannie a photo of himself when away on holiday.

He did not think the photo of himself on the nudist beach was appropriate ... so he cut off the bottom half of himself !

Unfortunately, he posted the wrong half !

When he got back to Byker he phoned his grandmother up.

'Did you get that photo of me on holiday, Gran ?'

'I certainly did George, but I wasn't very impressed !'

'What's the problem, like ?' said Geordie.

'Well', she said. 'SINCE YOU HAD YOUR HAIR PERMED, IT MAKES YOUR NOSE LOOK HUGE !!!'

Three Geordie rugby players and their new wives went to Benidorm together for a joint honeymoon.

The lads got to talking about their sexual prowess in the bar together and decided to indicate their achievement in bed by the number of slices of toast that they ordered at breakfast the next day.

So at breakfast, the first of them proudly ordered two slices of toast.

The second asked for three.

The third lad, beaming, asked for TWELVE slices ... but then called the waitress back, saying

'You'd better make three of them BROWN, hinnie !'

An old soldier walked into a pub on Scotswood Road with just his right hand sticking out of his blazer

'What happened to you ?' asked the barman

'I WAS SEIZED BY THE MAU MAU !!' said the old soldier.

'Have a drink on me ' said the baman.

A second old soldier came in with just his left hand sticking out of his blazer.

'Where did you get that ?' asked the barman.

' I WAS SHOT IN THE DORDOGNES !!' said the old soldier.

A third old soldier came in with no hands at all sticking out of his blazer.

'Where did you get that ?' asked the barman.

'BURTONS !' he said. 'AND YOU SHOULD SEE THE TROUSERS !!'

Geordie was taken into hospital at Benidorm feeling very depressed.

The Spanish doctor gave him a full medical.

'My advice, Sir', said the doctor, 'Is to get a black bin liner, and put some rotten vegetables in the bottom of it. Then go out into the street with a shovel and put some dog dirt in as well. Then for the next two or three days, get your head in the bag for an hour or so morning and night and take deep breaths !!'

Geordie returned to the hospital at the end of the week feeling like a new man.

'What was wrong with me ?' Geordie asked the doctor.

'The problem was', said the doctor, 'YOU WERE HOMESICK !!'

A beautiful young lady married a dirty old man.

On the night of the honeymoon she woke him up in the early hours with tears streaming down her cheeks.

'Darling, I've got a confession ... I've slept with another man !'

'So have I' , he said ....'TURN OVER !!!'

An eskimo said to his mate

'Your name is written in yellow writing in the snow behind the igloo !!'

'So what !' said his mate.

'IT'S MY WIFE'S HANDWRITING !!!'

Hear about the Russian prostitute .....ONYABACKYABITCH !!!

Three lasses were talking about men with tattoos in a pub in Byker.

The first one said

'I like a man with a dragon on his chest'

The second said that she liked a man with a dragon on his back

And the third lass took a swig out of her bottle of Newcastle Broon and said

'I LIKE A MAN WITH ONE DRAGON ON THE GROUND' !!

Geordie went into a clock repairers on Westgate Road, Newcastle

He went up to the counter where a bonny lass was serving and proceeded to drop his trousers and whack it out on the counter.

'I'm sorry Sir' she said, 'This is a CLOCK shop !!'

'That's all right' said Geordie ...'PUT TWO HANDS ON THAT !!'

Geordie went to the Doctors with a sore bottom and the Doctor suggested that he get his wife to insert a suppository every night !

Geordie said to his Missus : 'It's easy Hinnie ... just do what the Doctor did and put your right hand on my right shoulder ...

No hang on a minute ... put your left hand on my left shoulder .... no hang on ...

HE HAD BOTH OF HIS HANDS ON BOTH OF MY SHOULDERS !!'

Geordie started work as a clerk in the Council offices at Byker.

On his first day the young lady on the desk next to his said

'Excuse me George, could I possibly use your Dictaphone ?'

'Bugger off !' said Geordie, 'YOU CAN USE YOUR FINGER LIKE EVERYONE ELSE !!'

Geordie went to the doctor with a bowel problem

'Do you pass a motion regularly, Geordie ?' asked the doctor

'Nee problem Doc, as regular as clockwork - about 7 o'clock every morning'.

'Well what's your problem then ? asked the doctor.

'I DIVN'T WAKE UP UNTIL 8 O'CLOCK !!' said Geordie.

Two old ladies met on the promenade at Whitley Bay.

'Ee, yer bugger', said one of them

'We went to school together !'

'Did you ever start a family ?' said the other

'Start a family ... I had seventeen bairns !!'

'Your husband deserves a knighthood !' said her old schoolfriend.

'A KNIGHTHOOD ... HE'S GOT ONE BUT HE WON'T WEAR IT !!!' she retorted.

Geordie was stood next to his mate in the urinal.

'I wish I was hung like a pit donkey !' said Geordie ..... 'INSTEAD OF HAVING THIS GREAT BIG THING !!!'

A cannibal went off to Europe for a couple of weeks vacation on a package tour.

When his mate met him at the airport in Africa after his holiday, he was wheeled off the plane with no legs !

'I'm going to sue the holiday company through Claims Direct ...' he spluttered .

'THEY DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS SELF-CATERING !!!'

Geordie went to see an attractive lady chiropodist.

She was sat at her desk wearing a white coat and looking very professional.

Geordie dropped his trousers and whacked it out on the desk.

She looked up in horror !

'That's not a foot !' she blurted.

'No' said Geordie, 'BUT IT'S A GOOD TWELVE INCHES !!'

Geordie entered a dog in Crufts ... and got six months !!

Sign over the Rabbi's door ... 'WE KEEP THE PIECE' !!

They've just put a clock in the Leaning Tower or Pisa.

The courting couples have always had the INCLINATION, now they've got the TIME as well !!

Elvis Presley is making a comeback ... only 2 foot to go !!

Geordie's wife went to see a male stripper called LONG DONG SILVER with the girls.

She came back at midnight mortal drunk.

'I've seen nowt like it' she said.

'When he dropped his strides, it was just hanging there - like the arm of a pink sweater !!

And when he pirouetted, I was gobsmacked !!'

'I TOLD YOU NOT TO SIT ON THE FRONT ROW !!' said Geordie.

Geordie had been stranded on a desert island for 25 years.

One day a beautiful blonde was washed up on the beach with her suitcase.

He got chatting to her and she produced a bottle of Brown Ale from her case.

'Yer bugger !' he said, 'I've been gasping for one of them for ages'.

Then she brought out a packet of cigarettes.

'And I've been dying for a ciggie' said Geordie.

She started undoing her bra and said 'I've got something here that you must be gasping for !'

'YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHIP PAN IN THERE ?' said Geordie !!

Geordie and his pals were playing golf when a funeral cortege passed by the golf course.

Geordie promptly doffed his cloth cap and bowed his head.

One of his mates remarked that it was unusual nowadays to see someone so respectful.

'Wey man' said Geordie, 'I 'VE BEEN MARRIED TO HER FOR OVER 40 YEARS !!'

Geordie went to do his shopping at Aldi.

He bought one banana, one apple, one sausage, one potato and one carrot.

The attractive checkout attendant said

'You must be a single man ...?'

'How did you guess, Hinnie ?' said Geordie

'BECAUSE YOU'RE AN UGLY BUGGER !!' she retorted.

A young man was about to tee off at his golf club when a shapely lady asked if she could join him.

After a great round of golf she offered to buy him a drink in the members' bar, and then she offered him a lift home.

On the way back she drove the car into the first available layby, undid his zipper and proceeded to perform an erotic act on him.

When she'd finished, he breathed a sigh of relief and said : 'We've had a great day..... what with the golf, the drinks and now this !'

'I've got a confession' she said : 'I'm a man !!'

'You swine' he said, 'YOU PLAYED OFF THE LADIES TEES !!'

Geordie said to his mate : 'We've got a new vicar ... FATHER UP !

And a new curate : PASTOR KIDNEYS !!

The vicar gave his inaugural sermon last Sunday....

It was entitled IT'S BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE !!'

Geordie was watching Newcastle United at St. James' Park.

He noticed that there was an empty seat right on the front row.

He went down and asked the man next to it if the seat was vacant.

'My wife died recently' he said, 'She sat there for over 20 years'.

'Could you not get one of the family to take it ? asked Geordie.

'THEY'RE ALL AT HE FUNERAL !!' he replied.

Geordie went back to Boots the chemist.

'These Viagra are no good hinnie' he said to the shop pharmacist.

'THEY'RE PAST THEIR SWELL-BY DATE !!'

Geordie went back to Boots the following week, and was served by an elderly female assistant.

'Packet of three please Miss' he said.

'Don't you "Miss" me, young man !' she said indignantly.

'You'd better make it FOUR then !' said Geordie.

What's the difference between having piles and a broken engagement ?

You get your ring back after having piles !!

A Member of Parliament went to the doctor with a sore bottom

He said to the doc : 'I'm having a bit of bother with my rear entrance'

'That's your problem' said the doctor,

'IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXIT !!'

A Geordie was sat next to a big Texan on a transatlantic flight

The Texan was boasting about the size of everything in Texas

He said : 'I can get in my car in the morning, I can drive all day and at the end of the day I'm still on my land !'

Geordie said : 'I USED TO HAVE A CAR LIKE THAT !'

The health inspector was paying a visit to a Tyneside bakery.

On his rounds he happened to notice one of the workers placing the top layer of pastry on the plate pies.

He also noticed that one of the workers was using his false teeth to seal and make patterns around the edges of the pies.

He immediately called over the bakery foreman, and the following conversation ensued :

'I say, this is not very hygienic ! Hasn't this man a tool for this sort of thing ?'

'Oh ! yes sir ; but HE KEEPS IT FOR PUTTING THE HOLES IN THE DOUGHNUTS !!'

Sister in wartime hospital ward, confiding with rookie nurse :

'We have two cases of V.D. coming in today'.

Rookie nurse : 'Oh, goody ! THAT'LL BE A CHANGE FROM SPAM !!'.

Queen Victoria was entertaining the French ambassador.

They were in the royal coach, travelling along The Mall, approaching Buckingham Palace.

The horse, not being initiated in the polite, though objectionable art of rubber-soleing, was breaking wind rather profusely on this particular journey.

Her Royal Highness, being extremely embarrassed, apologised to the Frenchman who's reply did not somehow meet with her royal approval :

'Theenk nothing of it your majesty. As a matter of fact I THOUGHT IT WAS ZE 'ORSE !!'

(Thanks to Len Winters for this ancient joke !!)

Conversation overheard between two old ladies, one slightly deaf, at a Byker bus stop :

'What do you think of the new vicar ? He doesn't half shout when he's preaching'.

'Eh ! What was that you said ?'

'The new vicar'.

'Aye, I heard that. What about him ?

'Bawls like a bull !'

'HAS HE ?!!'

Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were enjoying a drink together in a pub.

Snow White said 'I am the most beautiful woman in the world'

Tom Thumb said 'And I'm the world's smallest man'

And Quasimodo said that he was the ugliest man in the world.

They decided to go to the local library to check their claims in The Guinness Book of Records.

'There you are' said Snow White, 'I told you I was the world's most beautiful woman'

'I was right' said Tom Thumb, 'I'm still the smallest man'

But Quasi got the hump on when he read through the World's Ugliest section.

Slamming his fist on the table, he blurted 'WHO'S JOHN PRESCOTT ?!!'.

Geordie staggered in from the pub one Sunday afternoon, full of hell ...

He said to the wife : 'Those fifteen kids we've got, there's something not right ... get them lined up !'

As they stood in line, he pointed to a spotty faced kid in the centre ...

'He's different from all the rest' said Geordie, 'He's definitely got a different father !'

His wife started crying saying that he was right !

'Well, who's the father ?' spluttered Geordie.

'YOU ARE !!' said his missus.

A Scotsman was standing in a long queue at the duty-free shop at Havana Airport in Cuba.

All the guys in front of him were Cuban soldiers, and they were getting their goods free-of-charge.

When it came to his turn, the assistant started ringing the contents of his overloaded trolley into the till.

He said : 'There'll be no charge Hen, I'm one of Fidel's boys !'

'Hang on', she said, 'Fidel's boys have big black beards and have the big cigar !'

The Scotsman promptly whipped up his kilt and said 'SECRET SERVICE !!'

Two yokels were having a pint of cider in a country pub.

One said 'What have you got in that there sack ?'

'Rabbits' said the other.

'How many have ee got boy ?'

'If you can guess, you can have BOTH of them !!'

'THREE ??' said the other !!

Geordie phoned his GP requesting a house visit as his piles were so painful that he was unable to walk.

When the doctor arrived he praised Geordie, saying

'You've done the right thing - sitting on a bean bag'

'BUT I'M NOT SITTING ON A BEAN BAG' said Geordie !!

Wife says to her husband

'For God's sake Geordie, cut the grass. I can't see out of the kitchen window'

Geordie retorted 'THE GADGIE IN THE DOWNSTAIRS FLAT SHOULD CUT HIS FIRST !!'

Geordie bought a piglet in the pub, and staggered home, where his wife was watching the tellie.

'Meet the pig !' said Geordie.

'You're not bringing that thing in here' said his missus.

'I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, I'M TALKING TO THE PIG !' said Geordie.

Man goes to the doctor and is told that he only has 12 hours to live

His wife was heartbroken and told him that she would do anything for him

'Lets go to bed and make love' says the husband

An hour later he gets her to do it again, and again

After a dozen times, the wife refuses, saying

'It's all right for you, but I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING ' !

A young curate was travelling north from London on the train, with his flask and a packet of biscuits

Opposite him sat three beautiful young ladies

He said to the first girl, 'I say, what do you girls do for a living ?'

She replied, 'We're actresses, appearing in Dick Whittington at the Theatre Royal, Newcastle-upon-Tyne'

'And what part do you take ?' he asked

'I take the Cat' she replied

'Oh, jolly good' said the curate, 'Would you care for a biscuit ?'

To the second girl he said, 'And what part do you take ?'

She said, 'I take the Mayor'

'Jolly good' he said, 'Would you like a biscuit ?'

And to the third girl he said 'And I suppose you take Dick ?'

'Of course', she replied, 'BUT NOT FOR BISCUITS !'

(Extract from the pantomime : 'Fourteen miles and still no Dick !')

A Geordie was flying across the Atlantic, sat next to a beautiful Nun

The Captain comes on the intercom to tell passengers that there is terminal engine trouble and that they are all going to die

The Nun next to him was panic stricken

She ripped off her habit and pleaded with him

'Make me a woman before its too late !'

Quick as a flash Geordie whipped off his shirt and vest

'Right pet' he said, 'GET THAT LOT IRONED !!

A lady wrote an open letter in The Times in the 1930s to Mr. Leslie Hoare-Belisha, the then Transport Minister, it read :

'Dear Mr. Belisha, I do not like your big striped poles with red balls on top.

I'd much rather have a policeman with his hand up !!'

(Thanks again to Len Winters for this pre-War gag !!)

Did you hear about the transvestite soldier ?

He kept his battle dress in his kit bag !!

They have found Robert Maxwell's last shopping list in the cabin of his yacht

It read : '100 sq. metres of non-slip decking and a guard rail' !

Soldier went into a chemist's shop

'Packet of condoms please'

The assistant said 'Sorry, we don't sell them, why not try Boots'

'Boots !' he retorted. 'I WANT TO SLIDE IT IN, NOT MARCH IT IN !!'

Bus conductor said to woman on bus

'Madam, your left breast is hanging out !'

The lady replied 'Oh my God, I'VE LOST THE BAIRN !!'

(With acknowledgment to the late Bobby Thompson, the Little Waster)

Hotel manager stormed up to the bedroom of a honeymoon couple

'I don't mind you living on the fruits of love, but please don't throw the skins out of the window as THEY ARE CHOKING THE SEAGULLS !!'

Man lost on the hills in deep snow, knocks on a farmhouse door.

The farmer said 'You can stay the night, but you will have to sleep with my son !'

'I'm awfully sorry' he replied, 'I THINK I'M IN THE WRONG JOKE !!'

Top-selling North Korean cookbook : 50 ways to wok your dog !

A wealthy old Italian married a beautiful young athlete

She dived into the pool on their honeymoon and swam 50 lengths at breathtaking speed

As he pulled her out of the pool he asked her if she swam for Italy

'No' she said, 'I WAS A STREETWALKER IN VENICE !!'

The Chief Executive of Christies the auctioneers summoned his MD into the office.

'That new Buyer you just started has got to go, he's useless !!.

'But Sir' he replied,

'He bought a Stradavarius and a Picasso for fifty quid !!'

'I know' he said, 'IT WAS A STRADAVARIUS PAINTING AND A PICASSO VIOLIN !!!'

Snow is like sex

You never know when it's going to come

You never know how long it will last

And YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MANY INCHES YOU ARE GOING TO GET !!'!

A Geordie was staggering out of a working mens club in Newburn at Christmas time

The Salvation Army were singing 'Glory to the Newborn King'

'Wey yer bugger' he said, 'I NEVER KNEW THERE WAS A KING OF NEWBURN !!'

Man doing a washing powder demonstration in Fenwicks department store in Newcastle-upon-Tyne

As he dips a fabric into the tubs he chanted

Into the hot ... out of the hot

Into the cold ... out of the cold

Up to the light ... clean and bright

Up to the nose ... sweet as a rose !

He asked for an item of clothing from the audience, and an old woman threw her knickers across, and he proceeded ...

Into the hot ... out of the hot

Into the cold ... out of the cold

Up to the light ... clean and bright

Up to the nose ...

INTO THE HOT !!

An attractive young lady went into Windows of the Arcade in Newcastle to buy a record just before the War

She said to the young lad behind the counter

'Have you got Spurs that Jingle Jangle on a six inch ?'

He went out the back, came back and said

'I've got Balls that Dingle Dangle on a twelve inch'

'Is that a record ?' she said

'It should be' said the boy, 'I'M ONLY SIXTEEN !!!'